I have never told anyone this before as I am too embarrassed. I am desperate for any advice, please be honest with me
If there are any Lebanese people or those who are married to a Lebanese man, I would love to hear your opinion as I’m not sure if this is a cultural thing.
I have been married for four years to a Lebanese (catholic) man. He wasn’t born there but he calls himself Lebanese so I’ll say that too. I am Anglo, no religion. When we were dating/engaged, he was a kind and caring man, quite liberal in his thinking but with some traditional family values that I admired. He spoke very highly of his parents and was always helping them out. We have just separated and my husband and his family blame me as I was the one who asked him to leave. My husband says I am completely over-reacting to the following things. Am I??
* My husband never lived away from home before we married and was treated like a god by his mom – she did absolutely everything for him. I had no idea of this or that he would expect me to do the same. Is it normal for a Lebanese man to expect this? When we were dating he seemed like a regular guy. He does nothing around the house aside from take the trash out (which is the only job he did at his parents). I have tried to get him to help more but he says he works hard all day – that I am failing at being a good wife, housekeeper, etc. I know the house isn’t as clean as his mom’s but my life is very different to hers. My husband says she is very busy caring for his sick father yet she can still do everything. Am I being too touchy, I know I have slacked off a bit?
* Despite my husband’s traditional values, he has never properly supported the family. I have used my savings to make up the shortfall. At one stage he gave nothing for five months. When I brought this up with him, he said that I knew he had an investment property before we married. So I was forced to work to get extra money when our two children were 3mths and 18mths. I now work 40 hours a week (2 days and the rest at night when the children are asleep). When I have complained that I am exhausted, my husband says lots of mothers work. He feels I am completely over-reacting.
* I have an auto immune condition which my husband knew about before we married. It has been getting progressively worse over the past few years. My husband refused to let me tell his family about it until it was very apparent that something is wrong with me. I don’t have much family so I was hoping for a little support (even just to get milk at the shops, it is quite hard to do it with two kids as well). My husband says his family have their own lives, even though most of his sisters don’t work, and that I should be relying on my own family. My parents don’t live nearby. Is it possible my husband’s family are wary of me because I’m not Lebanese? Every other Lebanese family I know are very welcoming and family minded.
* When we had problems a year ago, I contacted his family for help. Some of the issues were quite serious yet all of them said they didn’t want to get involved. I felt helpless. My husband says it has nothing to do with them so I shouldn’t call them. Are personal matters usually very private with Lebanese families? Maybe I am expecting too much?
* Since we were married, my husband has gone to his mom’s for breakfast, even when I had just had a baby and begged him not to. He says he’s always had breakfast there and it saves me having to make it. She also makes his lunch everyday. When I asked her to stop, she said she is only helping me. When I tried to insist, it was obvious that she was not happy about it so I didn’t push. I know these are only small things but it makes me feel like I’m not good enough. My husband’s brother also does the same thing so am I making mountains out of molehills?
* When we were looking to buy a home, my husband insisted we stay in the same area as his parents and family. We are now one minute away from them and he visits them everyday before and after work and on weekends without me. When I say I feel left out or wish that he’d want more time with me, he says he is helping me (he often takes the children with him). I have tried going along but to be honest I don’t have the time and it’s kind of boring – all my husband does there is watch TV while his mom minds the kids. One time my husband did agree to stop going there after work during the week but his mom was very annoyed with me when I saw her. So I felt I had to give in as it was making things uncomfortable. Should I be making more of an effort to visit them? Maybe they don’t like me because they think I am being rude.
* When I have had concerns about some of the things his mom has done with the children (such as candy or constant TV), my husband is furious. He has yelled that his mother has raised more children than me and what goes on in her house is her business. I feel my role as a mother means nothing to them but my husband says the
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